The Conceit of My Pants, Mark II


(The following represents a jumping off point — the skeleton upon which to drape the viscera, musculature and skin stuffs of a collaboration. If during the collaborative process this armature itself gets monkeyed with, so be it.)

(It may be useful to know that as currently envisioned, The Conceit of My Pants exists a mash up of writer-director-producer Richard Kelly’s Southland Tales, writer-philosopher Ayn Rand’s Night of January 16th, and my own silly obsessions.)

(I’ve never worked in theater or attempted anything like this. As such, I need scads upon scads of help.)


Adam Guthman has been murdered. Who’s the culprit? All evidence points to Adam Guthman. So compelling is this evidence, in fact, that even Adam Guthman is beginning to doubt his own innocence. It is with but one unwavering conviction, however, that he clings to his sanity: He’s a pimp, and pimps don’t do such things. Held in the improbable venue of a futuristic mega-zeppelin named the Jenny Von Ledge, The Conceit of My Pants is Adam’s trial, and it commences right before what may well be the end of the world…

The Conceit of My Pants will be comprised of three parts:


The audience will drink booze and mingle on the Jenny Von Ledge with those members of the show’s cast that comprise The Witness List. Rather than being assured a spot in the on-stage events, each witness will use this time to make his or her own case for inclusion (however that case seems best made), because it is neither counsel for the defense nor the prosecution that will decide who ultimately testifies, but the audience. Turnabout being fair play, the witnesses will themselves select the thirteen audience members who’ll ultimately decide Adam Guthman’s fate: 12 jurists and one judge.


Part 2 begins with opening statements from the prosecution and defense (Adam Guthman, wisely or un, acting as both). After that, the witnesses that the audience most wants to hear testimony from will be called upon to take the stand. The testimony offered will be a mixture of scripted and un. Ethos, pathos, logos and doritos (the Harpo of the Os family) will surely ensue. The trial represents, of course, one last ditch effort on Adam Guthman’s part to figure out just who he is, so he can open the box to find the deus ex machina inside and thereby deliver salvation unto humanity — proving in the course of so doing that, if in fact he did kill himself, it was for the greater good.


If we’re all still alive, we’ll all probably want to go crazy at this point, even if we’re already crazy at this point. That being the case, there will be a juicy roster of bands lined up to aid any efforts made toward that end.


(Know that I reserve the right to amend the witness list all the way up to the night of the trial. And, should you so desire it to, this could include adding you, or some character of your own invention. I’m all ears when it comes to ideas. You have to get to my ears through my eyes though, by sending an e-mail to Know also that chief among the sources for this list are the 4 plays that I attempted to write over two months (July and August). Each play exists in some such state of unfinished, but, because they are so snazzy, I’ve included synopses here.)

Joker: The DC Comics villain.

Riddler: The DC Comics villain.

Two Face: The DC Comics villain.

Scarecrow: The DC Comics villain.

The Copyright Pirate: a jolly-roger-sporting super-being version of Adam Guthman with an idea to “free the ideas” — something he’ll gladly do if the world doesn’t end.

Vera: An aging Russian prostitute with improbable grasp of spirituality and metaphysics.

Weapon K: A Canadian super-agent who bears some resemblance to Adam Guthman (not to mention another, better-known, fictional Canadian super-agent).

The Rose-Colored Monocle: The goody-two-shoes, pretty boy leader of the K-Men, a team of mutant superheroes to which a future version of Weapon K (codename Badger) will belong.

Agent Smallhouse: Foxy pink-skinned mutant chick and member of the Banished, a team of superheroes that travels from one parallel universe to the next, righting wrongs in a Quantum Leap fashion.

Courier (aka PFC Adam Guthman): A sincere Georgia boy lost in the endless obligation of fighting the Iraq War, and possibly coming unglued because of it.

Sampras (aka PFC Peterson): A staunch defender of both this country and free market solutions, Sampras has come to worry over his friend PFC Guthman’s declining mental health, as well as the contents of his comic book collection.

Agassi (aka PFC Russo): A cynic by nature, Agassi assumes his friend PFC Guthman’s apparent breakdown is a ruse, and that he knows just which way the wind is blowing when he says he’s trapped in a play written by another version of his consciousness in a parallel universe.

Master Sergeant Foster Wallace: A bathrobe wearing, tennis-obsessed jar head with a troubling fascistic streak and strange and elaborate views on irony.

God Almighty: The big kahuna.

Haiku for Thought: A series of comedic haiku authored by Adam Guthman – a personification thereof.

Tharyl Greybrow, Hammer of Tyr: Adam Guthman’s 20th level Paladin of Tyr [AD&D 2nd Edition Rules], the mighty God of Justice.

Rosencrantz: A formerly deceased witness brought back to life by God Almighty. Sometimes confused with Guildenstern. Sometimes confused by Guildenstern.

Guildenstern: A formerly deceased witness brought back to life by God Almighty. Sometimes confused with Rosencrantz. Somtimes confused by Rosencrantz.

Tom Stoppard: The legendary playwright of, amongst other works, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (and director of the 1990 film adaptation to boot).

Ayn Rand: Not the grand dame of the right wing that you’re familiar with, this Ayn hails from a parallel universe in which she runs a corporation called Randomness.

Henry Darger: Henry “Hank the Plank” Darger is a top tier male porn star endowed with an incredible gift.

Brenda Emaculate: A former assistant to Ayn Rand, Brenda ultimately becomes a hugely important revolutionary leader.

Captain Pasquale Furioso: A storied jazz phenom who at 17 had a spectacular flame out on the verge success, and went into near isolation for three-and-a-half decades only to emerge as an underground indie-rock cult legend.

Lisa: Kelly LeBrock’s character from John Hughes’ still-amazing Weird Science.

In Front of the Waterfall: A leaderless insurgent flash-mob musical opposed to The Conceit of My Pants. It is of, by and for The People.

Adam Guthman’s Soul: There’s only one person that really needs to care above all else for Adam Guthman’s personal well-being and development. Unfortunately, it’s Adam Guthman.